Work on my WiP is progressing. It's time to be brave and share an excerpt.I'm interested in hearing how the pacing feels to a first-time reader. As a short story writer, I've worked hard in perfecting the craft of concise exposition, of only giving readers background information essential to the story's one significant moment in time. The voice of a novel, however, is entwined in the POV's internal perceptions, often stemming from his/her background and experiences. I don't have the experience yet in novel writing to know how much background information and internal perception is important and relevant in any given moment, without slowing down the pace. I pay a great deal of attention to this as I read other author's work. But when I sit down to write, ugh! Doubt seeps in. Your feedback on this point is greatly appreciated!
This is one page from Chapter One. As this is an excerpt from my WiP, it will only be posted two days :)
[Excerpt deleted. Thanks everyone for your feedback!!]
45 comments:
I think this reads beautifully, Nicole. The pacing is very good and I love how the excerpt ends leaving the reader wanting more. I can really picture Julie and I already like her and feel a connection. Well done.
It's only one page, but if this is the type of pacing you keep throughout the entire story you should be good to go. I think you give pertinent enough detail to lead into the mind & personality of the MC without going so overboard as to drag the story down.
I give you props for being able to write short stories. I can't tell any story under novel length. I've tried, but my brain just refuses to cooperate.
I agree, loved the pacing and the character connection:)
Beautiful writing! It calms me to read it. The only suggestion I have is to have shorter paragraphs to make it seem like it reads faster. But I don't know, I'm just coming up with something to help. :)
I think the pacing is excellent. And you really cram a lot information/connections in short span. That's really hard to do!
Kudos to you ;-)
~JD
Ah, wonderful! And I don't normally like chickey-flicky stuffages like that.
My only suggestion: Nuke the first paragraph, and instead of thrusting all that information on the reader on p1, pepper those same details -- maybe even those same verbages -- throughout the rest of your piece.
I stumbled through the first paragraph, but the rest, wow, great pace, ample detail, you used your character's name, put her in a concrete location -- a hardware store -- gave her a mission, added background questions (why is she starting over?), and shook up your structures. Nice.
One of the big differences in a Short and Novel is patience. The short is in a hurry, impatient, go-go-go. Novels feed details to the reader in little nibbles.
- Eric
Nicole - I thought the pacing was great. The way you tie in backstory and so forth reads quite seamlessly for me.
I sort of agree with Eric - though I wouldn't say nuke it. Just break it up into more than one paragraph.
Is the man her father?
That was my immediate question/reaction as I finished reading, which is a good sign that you caught me and I'd like to read more.
I loved this, NIcole.
Except for his first para., I agreed completely with Eric. In fact, while reading through that first bit, I was thinking this needs to be broken up and dispersed.
I'm hooked :)
I agree with Eric, and the rest is wonderful. I could really picture myself there, mostly because I've spent a lot of time in hardware stores too. :-)
I also like the few details you get as to what Julie looks like, with the bracelets and the hair.
Nice hook!
I loved reading this. Your pacing in on par, although I would take the tidbits from the first paragraph and sprinkle it in ... you don't want to lose the reader right off the bat.
Everything flowed so easily - bravo for posting it ;)
Okay, I really like the way the tension worms in here with mothball-man (scent... SO important to story!). I also like the way her past has become her present, with her following in her father's footsteps, part-unconsciously. And your imagery is great: "jagged menace of circular saw blades," giraffe-gait, fedora. Very distinct, all of them.
Crits? Since it's close 3rd person POV, I'd suggest that we don't need phrases like "she came to realize." We're in her head already, so if there's realizations going on, it has to be her doing the realizing, no? Also, "beady" might be one of those overused adjectives--"unsmiling" may do enough work here to carry the sense of menace.
But I do so love your use of alliteration and assonance. I'm always a sucker for that! Nicely done, good lady. :)
...great piece Nicole:) I find it interesting when reading the comments...how us guys all feel the only weak spot is the first paragraph. I wouldn't nuke it, just refine it. Your "voice" runs strong throughout the rest of the segment. I think maybe it's your own flavor that's missing in the beginning. Pepper that in and your good to go:)
Ok, I think I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb here. I'm offering you my opinion, so please do not feel discouraged as many seem to disagree with me, and you might too. Hopefully though, what I say here might help you to see things from a different perspective.
I do think it is beautifully written. Your prose is so poetic and calming, but to me it feels too slow for the beginning of a novel. I feel there is way too much detail here about paint colour that isn't necessary. I don't think you need much more than a couple of lines for this.
I also think you are trying to fit too much in. It's not necessary to refer to her backstory so early on in the book - especially in the first paragraph. Backstory should float in and out after we have established where the protagonist is NOW, and we have understood her wants, needs and motives that are going to push her through the story.
Readers should also be able to see your protag's personality through her actions, not by the narrator telling us what she's like. I think your style here is perfect for short stories becasue everything has to be condensed. For example, things like:
"She came to realize her broken family life couldn’t be fixed with a partial wall or updated light fixtures."
and
"But hope is a persuasive emotion. At twenty-two, Julie carried the same hope in her heart her father had instilled in her through his unwavering example all those years."
These are things which we should discover about her by spending time with her. We don't need to to be told this straight up.
When you write, think about your characters like a new friend of yours. You get to know them from the way they behave, the things they say, how they react in certain situations. The things they say and do aren't followed by a reason or explanation as to why they say and do them. Their behaviour SHOWS us this.
Also be careful not to tell us what she is doing. Show us what she is doing. For example you don't need "her attention was elsewhere". We should be able to see that her attention is elsewhere by you showing what her father is doing, and showing what she is doing.
also
"She was shill behaving like the old Julie Knotts"
What does that look like? Show us that she is undecided and overwhelmed. What does she do? Pick up every single colour and then put them back on the stand?
We need to see the action of things like this, rather than being told.
I hope this helps! Sorry if I've been blunt, but I'm in quite a hurry ;)
Good Stuff:
I agree that the prose is beautiful. You are great with imagery. I'm interested and want to know more.
Could use development:
I agree with Jess that there's a lot of telling and back-story here. I do like how you've peppered in some back-story, but as far as her behavior, I think you can let us get to know her over the course of time and not tell us what you know about her.
Overall, I enjoyed it and I applaud your courage in posting this. :)
I agree with Eric's suggestion and all the good comments on pace. I especially like the creepy factor seeping in at the end of the post - I'd be interested in reading more. Good job!
You write beautifully. At the beginning, we have this urge to tell the reader all we know about this fascinating character we've spent so much time with.
We have to rein this in. In a horror movie, the most effective monster is one that we see only tantalizing glimpses of -- not the complete beastie. So it is with main characters.
Like others, I think shorter paragraphs would be kinder to the readers' eyes. Huge blocks of paragraphs weary the eye.
But you learn this through practice. You will succeed in this because you have talent and the willingness to grow. I have faith in you, Nicole.
Have a productive day, Roland
I don't know much to say that hasn't already been said, but I'll give it a shot.
Your prose is beautiful and elegant. I enjoyed how it flowed.
I agree with some of the other people's comments about how there shouldn't be so much background dumping. With a novel, a character is a new friend, as previously mentioned. We shouldn't feel like we know her story before we finish the first page.
I, personally, liked her mulling over color choices, but I like colors, so it might be just me. *laughs*
Watch out for repetition. Ex.
But hope is a persuasive emotion. At twenty-two, Julie carried the same hope in her heart her father had instilled in her through his unwavering example all those years. With that hope-twinkle in her eyes, she scanned the hardware store’s paint swatch choices.
"Hope" is used three times in three sentences in the same paragraph.
Also, watch out for "as." The only reason I noticed them sprinkled throughout is because I do the same thing. I use 'as' when I could use 'when,' 'while,' 'and,' 'or,' 'but' and all those other conjunctions. My editor brought them to my attention that I need to be more varying in how I say things, so I wanted to pass on the tidbit before you make the same mistakes I've been making over and over again.
Overall, the descriptions are fantastic! The prose flows well, and I want to read more. You definitely have the reader curious about the mysterious man.
I hope this helps. :)
I like how you mix up the sentence stucture. And your description, as others have said, is beautiful and very emotive.
I agree with Aubrie - shorter paragraphs might make it read easier. It is a fairly long chunk of description/ internal reflection.
But I really enjoyed reading this and I would certainly read on.
I'm so encouraged by all your comments! I've written chapter one over and over, from different starting points, and I know I haven't found the right opener yet. Your feedback is shaping how I see this version and has addressed concerns I have with it.
I'm certain the final draft of chapter one will be very different from this one. I may have to wait until the entire first draft is complete before I understand how to best open the story.
This feedback, and hopefully more to come, is greatly appreciated!
:) Nicole
The pacing was perfect. I liked the way she realized she had become her father.
I was fine with the first graf, just thought,as some others did, that it needed to be broken up. The writing style and voice are excellent.
I like the hints that her home life hadn't been happy. Nice analogy. Also the spooky end with the fedora hat guy. Enjoyed it.
How I can relate to complicated father-daughter relationships! Great snippet, Nicole. I posted an award for you today. :)
You do have good pacing so I agree with everyone else about that.
One thing that struck me would that it the first line would be a much better hook if you started it with:
"Julie had become her father. Whether it was a blessing or a curse she couldn't decide. Julie stared at the rainbow of paint swatches on the display wall before her..."
And you could continue on from there. I always feel that a first line that reveals some information about the character as quickly as possible is more effective that a longer but more poetic sentence.
Jai
The spacing was perfect, I loved the description and the connection with the characters.
Nicole as usual you have outdone yourself, this was beautiful!! It pushes me to continue my revisions!
I agree with most of the other comments. The pacing isn't bad, but you can do less tell and more show. Let us see her thoughts in her actions rather than telling us what her thoughts are. Example: Instead of "She fancied...chosen hue would play", you could show her having an imaginary conversation with the paint hues, where they tell her what they want and where they trigger a specific memory.
Great start, Nicole! Julie is a compelling character, and I want to know more about her past.
Dearest, what you must remember is that this is a first draft. It will change, and as you said, it might not change until you get to the end of the book. You might cut this whole chapter out. But you are the only who can decide.
As for suggestions, I have none. It is a first draft. I love the poetry of the writing. I love the colors, the smells, her realization she is her father. You have a way of enveloping the reader right into the life of the character, subtly, without any jarring. I personally like the backstory. It helps me to understand why she's in a hardware store in the first place.
If you don't understand Julie in the hardware store, then why would you care she's being stared at by a rumpled man in a fedora. If you took out the backstory, she's just a girl picking out paint. I have no reason to care what happens, but because she and her father used to hang out in them, I can relate because me and my father hung out in them too. Still do.
So, sorry I went on and on. But that's opinion and I'm sticking to it.
This is gorgeous! I feel like I settle in nicely with the story. I'm not being thrown anything that's too hard to swallow. It's calming without being boring. Love the "fixing" comparisons, hardware vs. life. That's perfect!
I think you're on to a great start! Thanks so much for sharing. :)
There's some great advice in these comments.
I understand you're writing literary fiction here but I tend to agree with everyone that the first chapter needs to be broken up a little, particularly if it's near the beginning of the chapter.
I'd also recommend grounding your character in the setting more in the beginning of this excerpt. She's in her head a lot and it will help keep the reader in the setting and feeling like the plot is progressing if there's some kind of movement. Does that make sense? For example, break up her thoughts and memories with some of the stuff you used later, like her reaching out and touching the paint sample.
You could intersperse the sounds and smells, too--maybe put some more of the thoughts as questions as well. I really think movement is key--make the reader want to go from one description and one thought to the next. Use your talent with descriptions--really utilize all the senses.
Great job so far.
I love the pacing. I adore the way you weave in the backstory -- and then bring us right back into the present action. Your imagery and voice are as succulent as anything I've read recently.
Literally, the ONLY thing that bothered me was the word "that'd" in the second to last paragraph.
One of my favorite lines? "Cloudless Day was too gray."
I just knew you were an amazing writer, from the moment you gave me a crit over at Roni's Beta Club. I just knew it. And, you are. This is magic on paper, friend.
Nicely done - I have a good image of the MC and a nice sense of 'Hmmmm... what's going on with the man?'
This is a wonderful first draft excerpt, Nicole.
My advice? Resist making any changes until you complete your entire first draft. Just keep going with the story.
Enjoy the process. :o)
Love,
Lola
You already have a lot of great comments here. I had no problem with your pacing - works for me.
I liked the pacing, liked the story. Was fine for me :)
I think Eric makes some good points. I do find that the descriptions work because they carry emotional weight, and they further our knowledge of the narrator's relationship to someone important in her life. Brave of you to post WIP--stronger than a lot of my first drafts!
Nicole, thanks for dropping by my blog and calling my writing beautiful. That meant a lot.
And remember, your first draft is like painting the bold strokes on the canvas of your painting. When you finish it, then you can focus in on the details.
Have fun with it if you can, Roland
Great opening... very readable!
i thought the pacing seemed fine.
I did wish, however, that the first sentance was more straight forward. It would be more of a hook for me. Maybe move the middle chunk (the description of what she's looking at) to the beginning of sentance two?
But otherwise, very nice
I love having the opporunity to read other people's work. It's such an insight. Thank you for sharing your work!
I loved what I read, and while I agree that the first paragraph could be sprinkled throughout, I'd say don't worry about it.
I rewrote my first few pages at least 20 times (probably more like 40). And then one day it just hit me. I knew where and how it had to start.
Good luck!
I agree with AA, and others who say too much detail (about paint for example). My first thought was to start with the last two paragraphs. Jump right to the action/tension. The other "back story" stuff can be filled in later, whatever is pertinent. But, as someone else said, you may change this beginning altogether. In my completed novel, before I sent it to its publisher, I cut the first chapter. By then I could see that it did nothing for the story. Beginnings are so difficult to write. So I would say, just keep writing. You write EXTREMELY well.
I love the way you word things. The description is beautiful and makes one feel like they are standing beside your mc.
In my opinion there was a bit too much crammed into the first paragraph. You might want to break the backstory up and sprinkle it in a bit at a time but it is a first copy and you have plenty of time to tweak.
Thanks for sharing and I can't wait to see you on the book shelves!
Love, MM
Beautifully written, densely packed with description and inner-thoughts, but I expected that going in because I knew you leaned more towards the literary. Can it be thinned some...sure...but that's for the second pass. Overall, I really enjoyed it. I liked your MC, and the last line about the strangers shoes was perfect! Good work!!
Nicole, I thought this was very well written. However, I'm going to have to agree with those commenters who said she's a bit too much in her head at the first. For me I need to have a bit more action, not guns or bombs or anything, but more show less tell I guess. As I said, it's al well written. I just didn't really feel drawn into the story until the guy with the beady eyes showed up. Good luck with this!
Note to EVERYONE WHO POSTED!
I hope you read your own post and remember your own advice when beginning your next novel!
I'm drawing up my opening scene for my latest novel, and this post has been timely and informative and a little bit humbling, as her scene is so crisp.
THANK YOU Nicole for posting.
- Eric
Nicole, I understand that you're writing a novel. Good luck with that venture, first off! What a task!!! But this piece/excerpt shows that you have the elements in place... you truly do. Because you have the space, in a novel, you can explore the psyches of the characters, though you don't want to over-explore. Maybe just leave a bit of Julie's thinking process to the reader's imagination. It's always more fun for the reader to fill in some of the gaps. And your final paragraph was fantastic! I do like the weird stranger, appearing just like that, with his silent shoes. Creepy! Again, good luck.
Nevine
I'm feeling creeped out by Mr. Fedora Hat. Well done. I was picturing everything very well. I don't think you went overboard with the details at all. It sets the scene.
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