Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Second Crusader Challenge Entry

The Challenge:

Write a flash fiction story (in any format) in 100 words or less, excluding the title. Begin the story with the words, “The goldfish bowl teetered” These four words will be included in the word count.




Inside a Fishbowl


The goldfish bowl teetered on the table’s edge.  Marilyn jerked back her finger, leaving another greasy fingerprint.  Inside, tiny swells crashed, sloshed backward.  Marilyn glared at the fish.  It hovered, serene, unaffected by the waves she caused or by her unwavering vigilance.  She scowled and jabbed the bowl again.  Too hard

The bowl plunged from its perch.  Shards of wet glass splattered across white, sterile tile.  The goldfish floundered, gills gaping and yawning, sucking useless air.  Marilyn’s mouth twitched.  Balancing, she stomped, ground her heel. Lab coat-clad men scribbled on clipboards on the other side of the plate glass windows.


(100 words)




Check out other challenge entries by Crusaders HERE!


Thanks for reading!              

                   

48 comments:

Mara McBain said...

I loved what you did with this prompt with Marilyn in a fish bowl of her own. Nice.

Cherie Reich said...

Great piece! Although I feel sorry for the poor goldfish.

Vicki Tremper said...

Ooh, interesting. Marilyn's got some issues. She'd be a fun character to continue with.

Angela said...

I like how you've essentially created two fish bowls here.

Lydia Kang said...

I loved the bowl within a bowl. Nice!

Sophia said...

Marilyn seems . . . nice.
- Sophia.

Matthew MacNish said...

Whoa. What a crazy unexpected twist at the end! I loved it, thanks Nicole.

PK HREZO said...

Oh I like it! And I love the 2 fishbowls comment too. Nice one Angela!

It's really what you've done and it's very cool, well written. Bravo!

Linda G. said...

Oooh, creepy. Very good!

Michael Di Gesu said...

Do you think Marilyn has some anger issues?

Poor fishy...


Michael

Anonymous said...

Oh, so clever! I didn't see that one coming till the last line. :-) Very very clever!!

Anonymous said...

Nicely done, Nicole.

Maggie said...

Wow. This is interesting. I would love to know more...

Carol Riggs said...

Ah, very nice and surprising reveal at the end! Good job. My fave part: "...gaping and yawning, sucking useless air." :)

Anonymous said...

Creepy, twice over! And a fantastic twist. I love it!

Anonymous said...

Ah great take on the theme. Brilliant twist in the tale :O)

Deniz Bevan said...

Ooh, now that's a twist. I'm really interested in this one. Part Two, please! :-)

Sara {Rhapsody and Chaos} said...

That last line is SO clutch! :)

Crystal Collier said...

Nice. =)

Charity Bradford said...

Ooo, nice! I love the juxtaposition of the girl and those watching her. Great job!

Sierra Gardner said...

Great job here! The last line was pretty brilliant!

Ben Langhinrichs said...

Great job on the fishbowl within a fishbowl. That was unexpected, and well written (as we might expect from you).

Jai Joshi said...

Such drama in that goldfish bowl!

Jai

Anonymous said...

Wow, pretty violent! That last line though was unexpected; great piece.

Denise Covey said...

This is definitely flashy Nicole. I love the imagery - 'shards of glass splattered...' Amazing how many stories we can craft from a few words.

Denise<3

Michael Offutt, Phantom Reader said...

Solid entry. I too am entering so we are in competition. I can say no more.

Luna said...

Oooh...loved this! So wicked, too. Yikes! :)

Danette said...

Very well done! Love the twist on the relatively peaceful fish bowl turn to defiant violence.

Trisha said...

Ew. I do NOT wanna meet this chick in a dark alley ;)

Poor fishy!

Kari Marie said...

Oh! She's scary, but I love the twist at the end!

Anonymous said...

wow! Major Creepy! BUT GOOD :)
I enjoyed every second of your piece. You used the fish's death to give a hint on another character's personality or state of sanity. :D

Carolyn V said...

Oh my gosh! That poor fish! But I have to admit...that was awesome writing!

Donea Lee said...

Nice! Another dark turn on the prompt. I like this look into the mind of very disturbed girl. Poor fish...

Julie Dao said...

This is an amazing piece of flash fiction! I love the revelation at the end. Maybe Marilyn should have been nicer to that fish, seeing as she is in the same position... nice job!

Alison Pearce Stevens said...

Wow! Sounds like they've got her in the right place. Scary behavior from what comes across as a fairly young child. This was great!

jkraus8464 said...

Wow, what a piece of writing. One of the best I have seen, I think. So much going on. The wacko Marilyn, the double meaning of the goldfish bowl and the room, horrible amazing imagery.

J.C. Martin said...

Ooh...disturbing, but brilliant! I so didn't see the ending coming!

Myne said...

I like how the ending gave the real meaning to the title, that was awesome!

Cally Jackson said...

Brilliant ending - totally unexpected. Great job!

Tony Benson said...

I loved the ending, and despite the fact that her behaviour in the first part isn't 'normal' I didn't see it coming. Nicely written.

Witless Exposition said...

Great job! Marilyn's pretty creepy, isn't she? Very nice way to spin the events of the story to include the men with clipboards. Adds some gravity to her creepiness.

J.L. Campbell said...

Having read this, I understand why Marilyn would be locked up. :D

Deniz Bevan said...

Guess what! You've been shortlisted in the crusade challenge judging round!

Ruthie said...

I like your blog! I'm following you. RuthieTootieWishes I have a comment about goldfish too, see it here

Adina West said...

Brutal! Not sure whether to feel sorry for her or the fish or both...

Alison Miller said...

Wow - great job with this! I'm thinking it's some bratty kid and then you throw the lab coats in - I'm intrigued!

Anonymous said...

Great job - I hope you'll revisit Marilyn - she's fascinating!

Sand Castles and Snow Forts said...

Double fish bowl.... nice.