I hope you enjoy my entry below, which is a dialog-driven scene from an untitled novella I shelved about a year and a half ago. One day, I'll dust it off and finish it!
Enjoy!
“One more, sugar?” Dani’s coquettish smile reached over the bar like fingers, caressing the middle-aged man slumped on the stool. She didn’t wait for his slurred response. He was a five-bucks-a-round tipper and he’d been here all afternoon. What more could a girl ask for on an otherwise slow Tuesday?
Keeping her legs straight, she reached down for the beer cooler below the bar. The man leaned in for a better view. Heavy-lidded eyes squinted, as if by sheer concentration he could will her shorts to stretch and reveal yet another inch of firm thigh. As Dani’s hand wrapped around the handle she glanced up and froze.
One person stood alone at the far end of the bar. An explosion of adrenalin shot through Dani’s body, like she’d slipped on a slick floor. She stared at the face that was both as familiar as her own and oddly foreign. It’d been almost two years since Dani had last laid eyes on her cousin, Nina.
Dani straightened, squared her narrow shoulders and jutted one hip, but it was too late to play off her surprise. Nina smiled slyly, looking, Dani thought, like a satisfied cat with its paw on a dead bird. Dani leveled her eyes and sauntered down the length of the bar.
The man hollered, “Hey! Wha’ abou’ my beer?”
“I’ll be right with you, darlin’,” she said sweetly over her shoulder. When her gaze fell back on Nina, she sneered. “Well, well. Look who it is. You must be lost, or are you just slumming it?”
“Hey Dani. You look great.”
Dani responded with a cold smile. Nina rocked back and into the beam of light from a spot directly overhead. The light cast a harsh glare, so that her face suddenly looked pale and gaunt, her eyes lost in shadow. Dani’s smile melted as she sucked in her breath, taking in her cousin’s skeletal silhouette. Nina had always been a plump girl. How had she become this emaciated form?
Nina straightened then and took a step forward to place her hands on the bar. Now, freed from the harsh light and enveloped by the warm glow of a Budweiser sign hung on the wall, the illusion was lost. Nina’s teenager curves were indeed gone, but Dani realized the caterpillar had become a butterfly.
Dani brushed a curl and the disorientation from her face. “Seriously,” she said coolly, “what are you doing here?”
“Come on, cuz!” Nina smiled, showing her teeth. “It’s been too long. I missed you.”
Dani flinched as if she’d been slapped. “Whose fault is that?” she spat. “In two years, you haven’t returned my calls, answered my letters. Hell, you scratched me off your fucking Christmas card list!”
“I know, I know. I’ve been a bitch,” Nina said softly. “I really have missed you. I want you back in my life, Dani. I need you --”
Dani’s nostrils flared. “Oh. I see. You need something from me.”
“No! It’s not like that,” Nina replied quickly. “I want you to come with me. On a trip!”
Dani raised one eyebrow and cocked her head, her speech slowed by sarcasm. “A trip--?”
“Hey Swee’hear’! I’m gettin’ thirsty over here!” shouted the drunk at the bar.
Dani rolled her eyes. To Nina, she muttered, “Just a minute.” She walked away, cooing as she went, “Oh my God! I completely forgot what I was doin’!”
When Dani came back, Nina was perched on a stool. Dani placed a glass of cabernet sauvignon in front of her. “On the house,” she said without emotion.
Nina grinned at the peace offering and looked into her cousin’s face. “It’s really good to see you, Dani.”
Dani narrowed her eyes to mask her crumbling resolve. “What’s this all about? You wrote me out of your life. I haven’t see you for years, then today --,” she shook her head, sending a long ringlet across one eye, “-- you show up here out of the blue and tell me you want me to take a trip with you?” Her face froze in mock confusion. “I don’t think so.”
Nina moved the untouched glass of wine to the side and leaned on the bar. Her collar bone protruded noticeably. “Okay, we’ve had our share of problems.” Dani snorted impishly but Nina ignored her and went on. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much time we’ve wasted--”
“We’ve wasted time? Please. I have reached out to you so many times since…well, all that happened,” she stammered. “You shut me out.”
“I know.” Nina suddenly seemed tired. “That’s why I’m here. I want to fix this -- thing -- between us. I want my best friend back.” The sincerity in her voice was unmistakable. She was looking Dani right in the eyes. “When we were little, we used to dream about going to the ocean. Remember? Let’s go! It’ll give us time to talk. To heal. Come on. Let’s go to the beach!”
Dani stared at her in disbelief. “You think I can just pick up and leave with you? I have a life, a job! We don’t all have the summer off, like you teachers.”
“You can’t take a couple of days off?” Nina said it looking past Dani’s shoulder, scanning the near empty bar. She returned her gaze in time to see Dani’s eyes flick, almost imperceptibly, downward. Nina pressed on, her voice more confident. “Think of it. You and me, relaxing on the white sand, cold beer in hand. Working on our tans. You know,” she added, “I’ve still never been to the ocean?”
“What? Are you kidding me?” Dani almost sneered. “Why the hell not? It’s only four hours away.”
Nina simply grinned, indicating with a raised eyebrow that she was still waiting for an answer.
Dani checked her fingernails, forcing boredom into her voice. “Sorry, cuz. Can’t do it.”
Nina sighed. “Are you sure? ‘Cause I’m going one way or another. I’ve already paid for the hotel. And,” she pointed theatrically toward the front windows, “I rented that for the trip.”
Dani followed her finger to a shiny red corvette parked in the lot. Her eyes opened wide, “Shut up!” she gasped. “We’re going in that?”
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50 comments:
Now I want to know why she wants to make amends. I want more. Nicely done!
Aarrrgh! Left me hanging again. :(
It was a nice piece though. The dialogue flowed well, natural, easy to follow. I like the subtleness you used to show Dani's mind-set by having her say, "We're going in that?"
Nice work!
i like Dani's work ethic...play to the customers, that usually works ; )
The dialogue's great, smooth and easy read, and I now really want to know what happened to Nina for her to turn up like that...
Great job, Nicole! Love the descriptions of movement--could see it perfectly in my mind.
Get to dusting! :-)
Beautiful! Absolutely perfect in every way. And I mimic DL's statement. Perfect ending.
The last line made me laugh. The whole time I thought, No way is she going. But then that last line proved me wrong. I heard the excitement in her voice.
Great job.
Good stuff! I want to know what's she's up to...
I took me a moment to stop the "ohmigosh we totally have the same taste in character names!" freak-out to really read this. I like the premise a lot, and how Nina gradually engages Dani in her "let's split for the beach" plan. I love that you've shown us in the dialoge that the persusasion works with the simple two words "we're going". I smell a road trip! Whee!
oooh fun scene! Loved the movement
Great dialog. I wanted to be sitting at the bar listening in. Looking forward to knowing what caused the separation.
Ooh loved this! LOVE me some dialogue with a snappy flow. Great job!!
This is awesome, Nicole! I love it! Your characters jumped out and became real from the very beginning. I'd love to read more of this! :D
I think you need to dust it off and finish it because I need to know why Nina cut Dani out of her life, why Nina is back now, and what happend when they go to the beach.
This was great! I loved the interaction between the cousins. I want to read more :)
love it! Now I want to know more ;o)
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Interesting opener. I assume that's either the first or near-first scene. If not, it's a great setting to begin work on a longer piece.
No complaints on the dialogue, though you could've spent a bit more time describing her firm thighs in those shorts.
I'm just saying.
- Eric
What the heck--is Nina dying or something? I have a bad feeling about this...
Nice dialog. I hope Dani takes her up on her offer.
Excellent job, Nicole!
Great ending hook. :)
Love,
Lola
Great tension! I'm interested to know what caused the rift between them. Good job! :)
Ha! I love that the Corvette seals the deal.
I also want to know what went wrong between the two ladies, and whether Nina's trustworthy, and whether something is going to go terribly wrong on the beach trip (oh, I *do* hope so...). You've raised a lot of questions with this one, good lady.
Nicely done!
Oh, and I love the drunk concentrating on her shorts riding up. Great detail!
Great dialogue - it really flows smoothly. I love the relationship between these two, and I'm dying to know what happened between them. Nice job!
I sense Nina is *not* trustworthy. She's trying too hard and I want to know why after cutting Dani off. In other words, outstanding job, Nicole, I'm hooked! Well done, you!
Very nice. I love the tension between the estranged cousins/friends. I can really relate to that. I love the, "We're going in that?" at the end to show she's going after all. Well done.
I love great dialog and this was it! Nice job. Wondering what happened to estrange them and what will happen next. Like the red vette too.:)
I wondering why all of a sudden, why the beach where she's never been, why the extravegance of a corvette? Is she committing suicide or something?
Great dialogue, nice interaction between estranged family members. Loved your entry.
Very realistic dialogue between the two, and it sparked my interest in the story. Nicely done the way you showed Dani's mindset--she's a-going now that there's a Corvette involved! :-)
I have to admit, I can't wait to find out what happens next! You've built the tension so well! Brava!
I love the imagery! I'm also curious to find out more!
AHH! I just love the bar imagery -- and the tension you've built with the obviously backstory there is for the reader to discover. What drove these two apart?! I love that Nina isn't what I expected her to be. Based on her new gaunt look, I was taken aback to learn she is a teacher. You've created interesting characters, and I love the hook at the end. It sounds like both of them are going to go on the road trip afterall.
Very engaging snippet -- and I think this story should be unshelved!
got me curious... thank you :)
Well?! What's the catch? What does Nina want? I have to know!
:-)
Love the Corvette making the decision for her! Wonder what she wants...
Sounds like Nina is the one in control. I wonder what happened between them.
really curious to figure out the past behind these two. Good scene!
really curious to figure out the past behind these two. Good scene!
Nooo, you can't stop now!!! I want more. Pleeeeease.
What a killer last line. You wrote that scene so well, I was in the bar. Crisp dialogue, characters develop nicely. Want more.
Awesome...I want to find out what kind of mischief they get into at the ocean!
Ah ha! GREAT last line! Obviously her mind has been made up by that car. I didn't really know where this was going to go, but now I am picturing a Thelma and Louise-type situation.
Wow you are great at the cliff hangers!!! This was really great! I wish there would have been more, but I suppose I'll have to wait like the rest of them!
I love dialogue, and jealous that you do it so well! I think I need to take some pointers!
I'm with Jen. Your dialogues rocks! I love the relationship dynamics all ready. You show us so much so well. :)
Great scene! There's clearly some back story between Dani and her cuz.
Nice! That was lively dialogue, and I loved that last line!
Oh, I have a bad feeling that Nina's dying/sick...
This was superb!
Lovely portrayal of tension. POV could be more focused near the beginning but flowed wonderfully when Nina entered.
Sounds like it will be an interesting trip...
I'm left wondering what Nina has up her sleeve.
Nicely done.
"Nina smiled slyly, looking, Dani thought, like a satisfied cat with its paw on a dead bird." <---Awesomeness. I'm really curious as to what happens next. Loved it!
Hi,
Intriguing scene, fascinating interaction and one hell of lot going on, yet no action as such!
The brief interaction certainly lures the reader in to wondering what next?
best
F
It was a nice piece though.
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Wonder what their past was ! What is there to heal.. What's Nina's story?? Who is the heroine ;)
so many questions, in so short a piece! wonderful job of hooking me !
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